I pass by this rubbish collection area for the nearby condo everytime I go out and have never thought much about it.

Till a few weeks ago this strange trio appeared on the edge of the walls:

Let's condense my little retracted post into just a snippet and look at the past year.

I have to say that 2009 has been pretty awesome workwise. Music Collaborations, BBT shindigs, Art workshop gigs, design mumbo jumbo.

It was all good.

But for some reason some spark has gone out in me. I placed the star card on my desk as a reminder of my directions and I woke up today ( post rage induced ramble) understanding the meaning of it.

2010, I want my spark back. I want my faith and beliefs back.

I wanna look at humanity and myself as salvageable.

I wanna send out blessings and turn to my rituals in times of need, rather than spew it on people who dun need it.

Already there is work planned out for next year, the main direction on the roadmap. But the small emptiness I feel requires me to take a little detour into someplace and recover some energy that was taken from me.

Not too sure what that detour will be, but it will be awesome and I will seek it out!

I'm looking for the bonus stage in my little RPG game! A secret chamber with a treasure that will strengthen and complete my journey!

May you seek out your bonus stage too! :D

Yes! I love all the words!

Jesus Christ! From Mount Olympus! LOL

It was an awesome show. And I am so lucky to have had such dedicated peeps to end it off with. Richard from LGF, Midnight Marvel and Hairy Heart pantyliner Jean Hair. I am so lucky that Tiet hooked me up with this roland keyboard ( which started the whole thing really). That BBT Dougall hooked me up with Ableton. I am so lucky that I have a bf who has been listening to my insecure prattling for the past few months and still showed up on a work night to help me caarry my gear. I'm so lucky I did not lose anything this time round.

I'm so so lucky.

And right after the awesome Chemical Hearts show, B's friend messaged him to tell him that I'm getting a wad of free human hair to finally finish my Death Kimono doll.

Am I lucky?

I am fucking lucky.

Thank you!

wish me luck. It's a small thing in the grand scheme of things. But I'm glad there are still things that can get me all tingly like this.

Uber bitchy post, here we go:

By now, close friends and many ex friends know I burn em bridges fast and loose. You'll sense a cold chill, and if you persist in not addressing the issue. Poof I'm gone.

Valuable contact? Ex lover? Friends for years?

Well I don't give a flying face about contacts, never did, never will. Ex lover? You are a slimebag/annoyed me. Friends for years, then act like there are some boundaries you will keep for the sake of thee fucking friendship and stop bagging me behind my back.

Fact is, I used to beat myself up over this. I would reproach myself, tell myself I can do this. Be one of those " bigger" people who take the "high road". Be ok with things, reason it out. People see me have an outburst or two and they think I lack control, they have no idea how many goddam nights I've held it all in for the sake of friendship, love and peace only to go back and cry my eyes raw.

" Things are ok why u go fuck it up for?" They'd say.

Well peeps, things were ok cause I was holding my misery in. Slapping myself on the wrist for feeling angry, sad, confused.

And why should I?

Why should I hold it in when you wankers out there treat me carelessly, call me names, think badly of me, betray me, lie to me, belittle me,backstab me and all the while claiming to be a friend, an ally.

Truth was, in the past I had no spine, I wanted to be a really really good person. But I have flaws, and I tried so hard to hide these flaws because I did not want to destroy some bullshit relationship that I feel only disdain over, thinking things would change. And in the end it imploded in me and I went stark raving mad.

I'm pretty ok alone. I hardly think of being among people as a top choice to chill out. People always have served as a further step into confusion, save for the choice few whom I've had the pleasure of knowing and having around. It's hard for me to say it, cause I do enjoy playing gigs and it's quite contradicting if u dun already know what the shit I'm talkng about.

But yes, I'm happy alone, doing me alone things, facing my paranoia, releasing my frustrations, on my own. it gives me strength.

So I am in no desperate need for company, do not give a shit about networking ( PR nightmare, lucky I don't do this for a living!) and heaven strike me down if I ever become those " friends" who talk shit about you behind your back.

My friends, you know I have never said a single bad thing about you, I'll stand up for you, I'll help you if you are truly down. When you are having a bad time, my thoughts are always with you, I feel sad because u feel sad, I am truly happy when you are happy. I am your friend, we are in each other's lives because somehow or the other, there is something about you that I respect and will always encourage you to uphold.

You know it because the people I bitch to you about are not my friends anymore. You know that we had our conflicts but we had the balls to trash it out.

" You're a fool, your friends are probably doing the fucked up shit you hate right now."

What should I do to friends who do fucked up shit to me? Hmm??

I'm not gonna waste my time smiling at people who make me so angry my skin crawls. I'd rather be hangin out with someone who feels like family or with my cat.

Pretty extreme? Yes, I repeat i agree, but real?

Abso-fuckin-lutely. No fake friendships, no "alliances".

Just me and a couple of people who can tahan me.

Rest of you, fuck off and peace out.

Am feeling rather angst and repressed these days. Hope it passes. It might just be fatigue.

I guess life's lemons taught me one thing, fear is just a feeling, it cannot physically kill you.

Reactions to fear... can. So as long as I react only to the thoughts and emotions which, if executed properly, will shower me with positivity and joy, life can really rock.

It's like back when I was a kid. The euphoria of being included in a group by talking trash and putting people down always came with a deep sense of shame and desperation to remain included. But when I drew a really nice picture or wrote a nice song, the good feeling lasts, it never fails me.

Explain to me how anyone would even look at that space and assume 20 men can stay there comfortably??? Fuck you Tiong Seng.

The countdown to the end of 2009 is upon us. I have no idea where the year went, heck I dun even remember much of the past month.

That is why my friends, I take pictures:

Something's broken that I cannot fix till I figure it out. You know those problems that have a million and one solutions? Need to find the right one, the right approach, the right state of mind.

Perhaps I am a tad jaded by the past year too, good that it was. I need to focus on the positive things and work toward more positive memories. It be what it be.

I got shitz to do, buggin begone! :D

Im forcing myself to write an entry. Why right? Why force myself? Cause deep in the night is when I feel this negative energy coursing through my soul most acutely, when it's the flow of this negativity that I am restfully following, I need to combat it with an upstream paddle to the sun.

How do I combat it amidst the million and one reasons for me to tell myself I'm worthless? I need to believe in it. I need to believe that stability only looks good when I am on the other side, that I am living how I want to, and that if I perservere and believe in it, I will be able to harvest the fruits that stability offers, and then some.

The life I chose is only as productive as I make it, when accomplishments and excitement weaken, I have only myself to blame. I have no big company name to fall back on, no affiliates to sponge off, no able musician to back me up while I do the easiest thing and claim it is my show.

It is a pure report card, I need to face it, warts and all and know that I'm slipping through no one else's fault but my own.

If I wanna own the wins, I needz to own the failures and especially these jello spongecake moments that incapacitates even my will to write.

Swimming upstream, writing with no intention to write. And through it I found an intention.

Allow me to hold on to this flame till the end :)

I dreamt I was in a tour bus with B and familiar faces of this world. We rode past this giant fair ( strangely enough it was supposed to be run by Disney) that stretched across an entire desert, like a very surreal Egyptian marketplace. There were all kinds of things for sale and wierd colourful rides.

In the far distance a giant toy dog the size of a house was bouncing on an even bigger bouncy castle. It flopped and somersaulted awkwardly just above the horizon and it made me damn happy.

Our tour guide was a friend I had not seen for a long time, when we reached the hotel, we were told that we can use the Tony Awards elevator. B and the tour guide excitedly recounted the times they met WIll Smith and Tony Braxton while taking the lift. " Yah alot of big stars ride that lift!" I hopped up and down with anticipation. Which prompted my friend to literally morph into Bai Ling and do a showtune with a group of dancers while leading us upstairs.

We were supposed to head down for a " lovely dinner with free flow champagne" but I woke up.

Before this dream I dreamt that I was room hunting with a girlfriend. We went to see one place that was like a HUGE HDB flat, two storeys high and large window overlooking an old school shopping centre's walkway. I thought it was a damn cool place. But the girl who's room my friend was supposed to take over told us the uncle very irritating. " My friend and I were watching TV halfway's, and he just come and switch channel over and over without asking!" So we went to a second place and my friend exclaimed excitedly that it was PERFECT! It was an old school looking hongkongish apartment.

Yay! It's raining on a relatively relaxed home day!